It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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