yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
