Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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