I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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