First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Randomize
