Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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