Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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