This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
