It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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