good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
