420 ftw
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
