I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
