Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So vagazzling was a success
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
