peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize