I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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