My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
