Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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