I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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