my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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