I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
