You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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