I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
