cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
