that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
