Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
