i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
