i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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