the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize