I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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