she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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