I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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