I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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