Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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