I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
