Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
