Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
