i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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