i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
