I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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