Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
