you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize