awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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