fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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