New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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