It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
