I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
