Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
