I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Randomize
