This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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