Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
a search helicopter?!
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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