She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
