alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
