you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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