how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
