just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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