this beer tastes like vomit already
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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