just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
