i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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