I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
