She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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