Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
