even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
