just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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