Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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