weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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