I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
